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Writerly Confessions

Even though I laughed it off at the time and even took some time to mock it, this ~~complaint~~ comment I got a while back has been lingering and festering even though I hadn't even realized it. (Like the one I got last year on 'Rusted Wheel' saying what a shame it is that I'm such a lazy writer.) The more recent one accuses me of shirking my writerly responsibilities because I basically hadn't written what they wanted me to write and was rather writing, well, whatever I felt like. Which, okay, fanfic. And free will. And everyone being entitled to their opinions. But the thing is, these comments linger in the special snowflake writer brain. And the only thing to really suffer is my writing. Because I get in that head space where I'm subconsciously trying to please someone else and not just my muse, and that never works. Plus, I am also a contrary crazy person, so I'm simultaneously unconsciously sabotaging whatever the mean person wanted me to do just to be perverse and juvenile. (And petulant. How dare you have a negative opinion of me! *stamps foot* God, the writer brain is a diva.) Eventually I either figure out what I'm doing or just get over it. Par for the course, right? Only, I'm getting a little tired of it. I mean, I understand that people are entitled to say whatever they like about me. I'm cool with that. But I also need to stop letting these things hijack me. So. For my own future benefit (one hopes), here are the things I'm not going to apologize for anymore (even subconsciously):

1. I write WIPs.
I write them with complete understanding of the contract I have entered into with the people who choose to actually take the risk of following along. The contract is such: I promise to have every intention of finishing said story, to do my absolute best to follow through. The reader promises to be aware that sometimes WIPs just don't get finished. Or don't finish as fast as they may like. The thing with me and WIPs is that honestly, I could never have finished those stories any other way. They would have sat unfinished on my hard drive for all time. On really really long projects, it helps me to have that contract, that forward momentum, and yes, even the comments that tell me I am not necessarily laboring on a story that isn't even worth working on. I do think I get into a bit of a self-created trap at times though. Sometimes I have long stretches between posting, but usually that is because I don't feel I'm doing the story justice, that it needs way more time to live up to what's already been posted, that I'm waiting for the muse to come up with something great. Not because I'm lazy, but because I don't want to break that contract, I don't want to disappoint. I could sit here and force myself to just come up with something, but it would probably suck. And I refuse to do that. I'm not going to apologize for that.

2. I work on multiple projects at once.
This is simply the way I work. Focusing down completely on one story at a time tends to frustrate me, bore me, kill my inspiration, and completely grind all writing to a halt. Moving between many stories and even fandoms keeps me interested and fresh. In the last seven days I worked on six in-progress fics in three fandoms and started a random new one (Fringe? Really?). All of these are at varying levels of completion, but the way it works is I add words and add words and delete some and rearrange stuff and then one day it's just done. Usually when I least expect it. Things get done when they get done. There is a reason I have virtually stopped participating in ficathons. I'm not going to apologize for that either.

3. I go where the muse directs.
I will drop anything and everything if a good piece of inspiration is flung my way. Like yesterday when on the drive home a solution to a fic I have been obsessively poking at for a year or so FINALLY clicked into place. I closed everything else, ignoring deadlines and WIPs and expectations, and just gave myself over to that story for as long as the muse wanted to work on it. (Now if only all this plot would stop getting in the way of the porn.) Maybe this isn't disciplined. Maybe this isn't proper writing technique (whatever the hell that is), but I'm not a professional writer. This isn't my job. It's my hobby. It's my joy. Pure, personal, selfish joy. And that's the part I'm least inclined to apologize for of all.

Though, I guess I may apologize for spending time I could have been writing ranting. Lol. *dives back into WIPs*

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1. You go, girl!! And when you figure out how to avoid the guilt that comes with unfinished WIPs, please, please, PLEASE let me know!!

2. You mean some people don't do this?? *boggles* Then again, those are the people who get things done much quicker than I would.

3. Whether it's disciplined or not isn't the point. Fighting with my muse only leads to crap when she throws her hands up and tells me, "Do it yourself if you think you can do better." Hee! The muse is always right. :) So yeah, you are most definitely correct in going with what works for you.

And besides, I'm willing to bet the complainers are few and far between. It's the majority that loves your stories and look forward to all your WIPs that matter here. I'm glad you were able to get past the naysayers!

For a long time the guilt of WIPs was the magic that kept me writing. The trick is when that guilt starts to slow everything down. Sad, sad. Plus, then I remind myself that there probably aren't as many people actively waiting for the next part as I think there are. Lol.

Ah, writer brain, you are so delicate and twisted.

Have you seen this blog post by Neil Gaimon? Perhaps it will offer you encouragement. :)

http://journal.neilgaiman.com/2009/05/entitlement-issues.html

and btw, just my 2 cents... I think your writing is great! I've been travelling lately and for my recent long flight, I wanted to load up some stories on my e reader. I started with yours because I knew there were a couple long ones i hadn't read and that I'd wanted to come back for, and due to packing chaos that later ensued, i never had time to load anything else. you kept me well entertained all the way across the atlantic! so... thanks!

You just keep on doing what you're doing! I look forward to each and every post of a story, and I'm grateful for the ones I get. Yes, I would like to nag and beg-LOL- but I do understand that well...maybe you have a life? And can't just sit and write 24 hours a day? (But wouldn't it be nice for all of us if you could?)

People need to realize that it's just not ok to insult someone just because you have the anonymity of the web to hide behind. Constructive criticism is fine, but if you don't like something why squash someone's joy at writing? Fanfiction is by definition by fans, not by professionals.

Oh I could go on and on (having written in another fandom), but mostly I just say- Yay for you! Keep going and have fun.

I'm allowed to have a life? Sweet! :) I do think anonymity is one of the most common reasons for incivility on the web, though I honestly don't think these people were being uncivil, necessarily, just a little overly entitled. Heh.

The writer brain is indeed a diva. Go you for putting it in writing. \o/
I while back I came up with my own 3-things I'm not apologizing for and letting them mess with my muse(and zomg since then I've had WORDS!!! It's been so liberating. lol):

1. I write first and foremost for my own enjoyment. If anybody gets any entertainment out of it along the way, that's just gravy.
2. My characters have both sexuality and humanity and I write character-driven stories. Plot will progress from there, regardless of fandom's general opinion.
3. Style is subject to change without notice. In other words, I'm telling the story and this is the way I know how to tell it, whether it follows the rules of style and grammar, or not. (I'm looking at you Microsoft Word Auto-correct!)

Everybody needs a 3-things list.

It's weird how putting something in writing has a completely different effect than just thinking about it. Like free therapy for the muse or something.

Yay words! I want to read more of your words!

#1 is like the most important mantra ever. We need to make icons. And T-shirts.

Good for you! I don't think you need to apologize for anything about your writing because you don't owe us, your readers, anything. We're fortunate that you write these wonderful stories and let us dive into the minds of the characters we love along with you. Thank you.

Whatever your technique, it's working for you, because your results are amazing. Sure, there are things that I hope you'll write more of, but I trust that you'll get to them when the time is right for you. And in the meantime, I'm sure I'll enjoy whatever you are writing.

And I'm off to try and make myself do work writing, which won't succeed because even writing of the decidedly-not-creative variety can't be forced. *sigh*

Ha! If only chaining ourselves to a desk would be enough to make words come! I'm trying to think of all my NaNo tricks, but I think most of them involved bribery of the confectionery kind.

*sigh*

Why is it there's always that random person who decides to critique that really has no business critiquing? If they don't like what they're reading, this isn't English class for crying out loud. Go freaking write it yourself! /rant

1. Me too. I have a Star Trek: Voyager series that I originally intended to be a trilogy. Well, three stories came and went. They can be read alone and they resolve on their own, but there is a taste that there needs to be more (and I have more intended). Even so, here I am eight months later notably *not* writing it. I pushed myself once to finish a story and...I'm disappointed with how it ended. I keep thinking I'd like to re-write it, but at this point, I'm so far from that "person" (me of that time period) and my character understandings have changed that I kind of just have to leave it as is.

2. Me too! I keep a RL blog (where I focus on taking my real life experiences and turning them in a story). I have original works. I have fic. SOMETHING has to work damn it.

3. The muse is a bitch isn't she? I used to write these meta-fics with my muse personified and me arguing with her. She won every. freaking. time.

I'll be honest, I wish there were a way to get honest feedback about writing in fanfic. It tends to be (I know for me anyway) that if I don't like a story, I just don't say anything and I know others do that. The only people I tend to get negative feedback are from people who's opinions don't matter as it is (as in, they don't write anything or if they do, it's poorly done).

I miss my creative writing classes.

It tends to be (I know for me anyway) that if I don't like a story, I just don't say anything and I know others do that.

I struggle with this too. On the one hand, fandom has a history of dogpiling (I hate that word, but it's what fits) people who speak out or say something negative, but on the other I would love if somebody was bothered by something I wrote, or had a suggestion on how I could do it better to just drop me a line and say "You know Zip... maybe you could have tried this..." (I won't deny that the few times it's happened that I haven't had a knee-jerk reaction, but once I got over myself I was grateful they took the time to point things out and I've learned from each suggestion.)
Honest beta's are worth double their weight in gold. :)

Oh to have such a beta!

I credit any ounce of talent I have to God and my first beta/online friend. I was 14 and she was 19 and we were on an AOL e-mail list. I wrote this terrible fic and she told me she enjoyed it and we hit it off. We would read for each other and nitpick and debate...

*sigh*

We're still friends but she no longer writes fic and we aren't free youngsters with all the time in the world. I have a shortlist of people I'll PM to read something I've written, but I don't *know* them and they don't really know me and I don't get the depth I'm looking for often times. About 80% of the time I don't even bother and I just throw the story up with nothing more than my own rabid perfectionism having torn through it.

It's also hard because I don't know if what I've written is worth reading. I also have a shortlist of people from which I pine for reviews. I figure if they enjoyed the story it can't totally suck.

Feedback is an interesting beast. Because in theory I really like constructive criticism, and fannish circles do tend to disapprove through silence (which is both good and bad). But insulting the writer or making sweeping accusations about their personal character is not really constructive, and has little to do with the writing. Plus, there is a reason PMs were invented, so that there is a way to discuss critiques in a way that is less likely to publicly humiliate people or crush their spirits.

Really, in the end, like Zip said, it all comes down to having betas you can trust to keep you honest and help you improve. Great betas are rare and hard to find, but worth all the squee in the fannish yard.

I entirely agree :)

I basically hadn't written what they wanted me to write

*sigh* Sadly, there are fanfic writers out there that seem to encourage this kind of behavior and I’ve often wondered if that only helps to perpetuate this sense of entitlement that some readers seem to have. I’ve even seen a writer post a poll for their readers to tell them where to go next with the story. *boggles* There is something about the system to blame here as well. Because I have this strong suspicion that some of the comments that come from readers (like this one) are genuinely meant to be praise, even if they don’t come off that way to you. They’ve learned from those other fanfic writers that giving you their two cents, asking for the story to include X, Y, or Z, or whatever, is considered “good feedback” and much appreciated by writers (of a certain variety). It’s weird, I agree with you. But I wonder if from their perspective, they are providing for you something that they think you want to hear? Back when I used to actually write fic, I’d get these types of reviews from time to time and I finally decided that I was going to take it as someone being encouraging, providing ideas if I needed them, or something. They think that they are helping, I have a feeling. Anyway, shrug it off, move on, and keep writing for yourself because that’s the only way it’s fun. (Er, well, fun when it’s not actually beating you down, lol)

Well, I'm sure it's not helped by my habit of writing sequels to random fics, because some of these people are like, "why are you writing more of X when clearly I want more of Y? WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT TO ME?" But the real problem is not the comments, but the effect I am allowing them to have on me. So...no more apologies!!! :)

1. What you do works. You write carefully crafted, thoughtful pieces with characters that are true to the originals, but who live and breathe, and as a result are not just static xeroxes of what has appeared on the screen. There is real work behind what we get to see on the page.

2. The best shows and the best fics often veer off in ways that I don't expect (or even want!) and that's okay. Did I want the Pete story arc? No. Did I expect it? Only a little, and not going the direction it was going for a while. Still, I learned a great deal from watching the characters and how they acted and reacted. Both Sam and Jack are deeper, more complex characters now, because of that arc. Part of the experience of art is in confronting the art as it is, and dealing with that.

4. Fanfic is a hobby, not a conscript national service project. If you are not having fun and feeling the power of what you write, and following where your inspiration takes you, then there is no point. Work done under pressure to satisfy someone else done in a way that is antithetical to what you believe to be the right path is bound to be horrible, even if the plot points feed every kink I ever had, because that forced nature will show in the work.

And it would make you stop wanting to write me fic.

Stopping writing BAD!

I'm with Zip. I write because it's fun. I write what I want to, and I offer it on lj, because someone else might enjoy it, and I think sharing is better than hoarding. Nice feedback is nice, and it often warms my heart and causes squeeing, but most of the fun is in the producing, not the getting feedback.

I tend to discount the feedback anyway, because I really do think that most feedback is constrained. People are trying to be constructive, and trying to be nice, which is a good thing, but it does mean that they are also pulling their punches. The people who really don't, and provide baldly critical feedback should have their feedback discounted too, for being way down on the bell shaped curve for social awareness and understanding, which would make them state the negatives more negatively than most reasonable people would.

*******
Edited because it's always those words that the spell checker can't find that get me in the end (if the HTML doesn't kill me first!).

Edited 2011-06-23 22:16 (UTC)

I get it. But allow me to say *again* how much pure pleasure and joy your fics bring to me.

Your Sam/Jack fics were the first I read that had me like "WOW". When I read the first one I quickly went and read everything else you'd posted.

I check your site like a kid waiting for Christmas and gasp with glee when I find something under the tree, whether it's a drabble, a chapter, or a novel.

Your talents and abilities are soooooo appreciated. So yeah I get that not everyone can recognize a good thing, but for every one of those type of comments, look how many great ones you get. The next time one comes up just reread all of these.

You've got it girl. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

**annerb fan**

As someone that loves your stories, please don't apologize for the way you write. You should do what you want, and the way you want ( or the way your muse wants it). We readers are just lucky that you let us along for the ride.

Aw, thank you. I am just battling my stupid writer brain as usual. Logic rarely works with her. :)

Amen! To all of the above. I can sooo relate to that. I tend to skip between stories when writing as well. I say screw apologising. Writing is a chaos that ends in some form of structure (eventually...hopefully...lol). Some people get very serious about their fanfic. When I first started writing for SG, I was searching around for a good story, and I thought "Hey, why don't I just WRITE the story I want to read?" lol. Maybe those critical people should just write their own stories if they have a problem with how you progress yours.
The best excuse ever if you ever need it? "My muse ate my fanfic" :)

That is totally how I tripped into fanfiction as well. I mainlined like a million stories and they were awesome, but I kept thinking, "I wish this had happened instead." One day I just sat down and was like, huh, maybe I should write it myself. It seemed like an insane idea at the time, I must admit. Lol.

Insane ideas are usually the ones that turn out the most awesome lol

A few years ago, I was writing Queen of Swords fic and really enjoying it. Then, on fanfiction.net, this woman started leaving essays on every part, with all the things she thought were wrong with it. So I very polity PMed her and suggested that if she found my writing so wanting, perhaps she could find something else to read she'd like more. She replied in a fit telling me she'd never had anyone go off on her when she was trying to be helpful. I was boggled. I also stopped posting on ff.net, and it sucked the joy out of the story and I never finished it. I hate that I let it affect me like it did, but it was so upsetting.

That's the saddest part, when the feedback is the thing that kills a story and kills inspiration. :( She should have PM'd you if she felt the need to share all of that. I'm sorry your story died like that! Makes me sad too.

What a terrible thing to happen.

I often think that people like that must feel helpless in their own lives in some way. They suck the life out of everyone around them in reality (when I worked in customer service I ran into these sorts - I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that they would gladly take on the mask of anonymity and tear other people down).

Anyway, I'm sorry to hear about your mojo!

:(

I don't write at all and therefore am constantly in awe of the amazing things you writers can do with 26 letters and your generosity in sharing your babies with us. ( having said that I do sometimes not read a WIP ( from some writers known for their long gaps between chapters ;-) ) until there are a nice chunk of chapters or the work is finished and that normally happens because the writing is so good I can't deal with all the hanging angst.
I don't thing you have to apologise at all :-)

I can totally understand the decision not to read WIPs. Hence why they are always clearly labeled as such. :D

Good on you. I'm not a writer, I am a reader-only, and I seriously don't get how people can demand things from writers who put their writing out there for us to enjoy (which we, or at least I do. A lot.)
Follow your muse, keep the writing groove and ignore the haters. Your readers adore your work.

Hee. Thanks. This really wasn't meant to be a pity party, I promise. I just needed to right it out as therapy and future reminder. :D

Go you! Fic writing is supposed to be fun, and you should write when and what you want, and if someone doesn't like it, then they should stop reading. It's not like they paid for the dang thing!

I do admit to being disappointed when you write something other than Sam/Jack, but that's my problem because I don't watch the other shows for which you write. ::pouts anyway::

But someone said after reading "Rusted Wheel" you were lazy? That was so complex, I had to think as I read, and I kept wondering where you were going. It's obvious you choose your words carefully, and that you are aware of the subtle differences in meanings between words most would consider interchangeable.

I like that you are bold and daring and seemed to not give a flip about all those readers who are afraid of reading a Sam/Jack that don't conform to the fairytale version so many churn out (the ones where if you changed the names the story's the same). Give me angst and danger and yes, even the dreaded non-con and CD, since those are part and parcel of how Sam and Jack have been portrayed on the show.

I also admit to being slack at giving feedback - a "great job" seems to be not of much use to the writer beyond stroking her ego, but when I read, I don't really delve into why I like a story. I know good writing when I see it, but don't ask me to parse the grammar or critique the plotting choices. I sucked at 'interpreting' stories in English class, so I guess I really don't know how to praise a story in a constructive way.

And ziparumpazoo, you can turn off AutoCorrect, you know.

I live in one of those towns where folks read a lot (a lot). The kind of place where at a dinner party your guests don't even attempt to be subtle about checking out your bookshelves. You'll come out of the kitchen and they'll be four of them asking why you've got The Chronicles of Narnia next to His Dark Materials . (Answer: Because I thought it was funny. I like to think they fight while I'm asleep like the gingham dog and the calico cat and that one day I'll wake up to find that The Subtle Knife has shredded The Magician's Nephew.) My town USED to have the most bookstores per capita and Amazon still counts us as the most literate (whatever that means--basically I think it means we buy more books from Amazon). So my point is that, surrounded by serious readers and their recommendations, I've been fortunate to be delighted by many books. And I think I've learned to be a pretty attentive reader.

I love your stories. Love them. I just wanted to say that for the record and to thank you for sharing them.

Thank you.

PS I'm sure you've heard this before but it might bear repeating: Writing is like driving at night in the fog. You can only see as far as your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way. (E.L. Doctorow via Anne Lamott's Bird by Bird)

all three of those are just the reason *I* could never write for a living.

considering the results you've had, I'd say stick to the formula and damn the torpedoes (or people ~~stupid~~ annoying enough to think they have any right to tell you what to do or comment on what you do)

-feeds carrots to your plot bunnies and leaves water out for your muses (what do uses eat?? other than writer-brains...)-

You go! Now, when people rail at you, you can calmly direct them here and respectfully say:

Nyah nah nah nah nah-nah!

:-)

How DARE plot get in the way of the porn! Well said, regardless. And I eagerly await your next offering of the !stupid cute (sorry, that's all I read at the moment!)

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