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Worst book EVER and awesome things that make up for it. Sort of.

So...I'm still alive. Really. I'm in this weird stretch I hit sometimes when the words just stop (usually because there is some plot hole or major issue with a story that I refuse to admit). This is when my reading phase kicks in. I get strangely voracious after not reading much of anything for a long time. I think it's the distraction factor. My brain is subconsciously churning away at whatever writing block I'm pretending doesn't exist, while I read, read, read, read until a solution presents itself, BAM, usually in the middle of something. (Got a lot of half-finished paperbacks abandoned around the house due to this.)

Unfortunately, I am reading stuff so fast that I'm desperate to get my hands on enough stuff. Inevitably this means I get desperate enough to hit the paperback historical romance rack, even though I know this only ends up torturing me. (BUT! I picked up 'Silent in the Grave' on a stupid supermarket whim once! I could discover another Lady Julia Grey to fall madly in love with! Really! Suuuuuuuuuuure.) Needless to say, I did not stumble upon my next great beloved heronine of snark this time. No. This time picking up the first novel with a minimally embarrassing front cover with no half naked people humping on it, I stumbled unknowingly into some of my most HATED elements. Some I had been fooling myself into thinking were only the foibles of young, eager fangirls writing their first grade school fanfic. I don't know why it's so much worse to find them in print. Maybe it's the back section where the author pimps all their other novels and you realize they've written 25 of these hideous things, many of which sat on the best-sellers list at some point and seem to repeat the SAME EQUATION. This particular novel's sins?

Behold, the Magic Penis.
Augh, augh, AUGH! Let me just say this, once and for all: violence against women is not ROMANTIC. And no man's penis, whether it is twelve feet long, gilded in leprechaun gold, and equipped with a stellar G-Spot-Dar or not, will heal this woman through industrious and immediate application. Take this novel's main character, a woman who has been repeatedly sexually abused by a gang of FIVE smelly, nasty, evil men for almost a week straight. Upon being rescued by yet another stranger, she may feel gratitude. She may even take a shine to him (but what wouldn't look appealing after a week of smelly assholes?). But I really, really, really doubt she will beg said hero to have sex with her a mere three days later and achieve the thrill of a triple orgasm. Sure, a woman might want to have sex immediately after abuse. She may wish to 'wash away' the memories. But I think even she would realize this is not necessarily good for her. I mean, I guess it's not even the immediacy of the 'Healing Sex', but the inability to admit that maybe people do stuff for stupid reasons and these actions have consequences. Or that, say, her sudden attachment to this hero might have more to do with the better of two evils and her rather fucked up and vulnerable state? But no, said healing sex and magic penis transport her to TRU LUV and erases everything bad those men did to her as if they never happened. Because violence against women would be so much less romantic if it actually had lasting CONSEQUENCES. It might actually seem real, and honest, and god forbid slightly sad and angry and angsty to actually treat violence against women as something serious rather than a convenient plot to get said magic penis to shed light in the heroine's sadly lacking life. And did I mention that all the other book blurbs in the back of the novel are the same tired equation over and over again? Women traumatized and brutalized by violence and rape and people burning down their barns only to be rescued by a nice guy with a big cock he nicknames 'Old Glory'. Dear lord, the sheer volume of this type of story out there boggles my mind and makes me want to write letters to authors and say, "Do you know what is missing from your life? Fandom." Because in fandom, at least, it always seems like there is one person willing to call you on your shit, or at the very least, meta their hearts out OVER and OVER again in the hopes that maybe someone will read it and buy a clue.

Much less damaging, but no less annoying is another writing sin that drives me up the wall:

When in doubt, more DIALOG!
Dear lord. There is a reason one of the best pieces of advice I was ever given was to read all my stuff out loud to myself. Sure, you may feel like a freak with your cat staring at you as you orate, but it is so damn helpful. If you can't read it out loud without tripping over something, clearly the prose needs to be cleaned up. ESPECIALLY with dialog. Do you ever read a story that has every character saying every tiny thing that comes into their heads? Or maybe you read three pages of the characters thought process and then they follow by saying exactly what they have spent three pages thinking about, only this time out loud, like we may not have gotten the point. Who talks like that? Who speaks in pages? I mean, I suppose the heroine of this novel could have had the waters of the Delphic Spring flowing from her vagina and contact with it makes the hero suddenly go from recalcitrant and broody to verbose and refusing to shut the fuck up in only a matter of pages. Hey, if a penis can cure what ails ya, maybe a vagina can too.

Ok. I'm done ranting now. Really. And since I feel it's bad karma to dump vitriol out into the world without at least a little squee to balance, here are some things that don't suck and that I quite love:

Any Persuasion fans out there? As much as I love Pride&Prejudice, I think Persuasion may be my favorite Austen book. I think it's the maturity of the characters, the subtlety of their ship, not to mention the drawn out angst of missed chances. (no, I am not predictable in my kinks. Lol.) Anyway, I have just finished Susan Kaye's 'None But You' which is a retelling of Persuasion from the point of view of Captain Wentworth. I haven't read the second half 'For You Alone' yet. (HURRY UP UPS, do you have any idea what I have been reading in the meanwhile?!) But I can comfortably say that the first half alone is enough to make me love and adore it. Great tone, delicate touch, and more Mrs. Croft. What more could you possibly want?

If SJ smut is more to your taste today, make sure you don't miss: Drink That Sun by

penknife

Oh, and

dsudis continues her awesomeness with the next in her Bechdel Fix-it's for Stargate. Really great Sam piece. Solidarity

Yes, it's always good to remember that for every piece of crap out there, there are some pretty freaking awesome things too.

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...the heroine of this novel could have had the waters of the Delphic Spring flowing from her vagina...

*laughs* I HATE it when characters go on, and on, and on, and... oh, you get the point. People in real life rarely talk for more than a short paragraph at a time, and I bend that rule slightly when I read, because it is a different format, but honestly!

It's like their editor said, "No, the book really must be this many words long," and the author went, "Ok, sure! I'll just add fifty pages of useless dialog! He can tell her he loves her at least a dozen more times, just to get the point across."

*raises hand* I'm a Persuasion fan! My mom introduced me to it when I was in high school (shortly after Pride & Prejudice) and I definitely love it.

Isn't it great? Just love it. I think I've seen the 1995 BBC adaptation like a gazillion times. It's my go to need something good to watch DVD. :) You might like that book if you have any interest in fic in the Austen-verse.

(My only Austen icon. Snerk.)

OMG. That novel sounds... awful. And yes. Needs fandom, stat. =D

I like Persuasion. It's the only Austen I've managed to read.

That's the awful part, it really wasn't that bad. Good grammar and passable plot and even an interesting character or two (not the main characters, of course. lol). BUT!!! It's the fact that I know so many people read this and never give the issue of women and violence even a moment's thought that makes me see RAGE. 'Oh, but it's so romantic to be rescued by a knight in shining armor!' No, it really isn't.

I feel like Austen gets a little extra snark in Persuasion. :)

Oh, and I meant to say, I have a friend who is getting into the Regency genre and I bought her The Butler Who Laughed and Reforming Lord Ragsdale (that was damnably hard to find!). Both were enjoyed. I knew I could trust you! :)

WHoot! Although, those are like two ends of the spectrum--one humor, the other aaaaaaaaaangst. But still =D

I think I did enjoy Persuasion due to the snark, yes. Mwahahah. *is so predictable*

Oooh! Yes!!!! I'm an Austen fan in general, and I adore Persuasion, and I've been soaking up much of the Austen aftermarket lately, so I will definitely be looking up the Susan Kaye books.

As to your rant, OMFG. It left me totally wordless for a while. Those who have read some of my comments (and you are one of them) know that I have a genuine ability to churn out words. Many, many words. Speechlessness is a rarity here. I just couldn't get my head around the ignorance and inability to put herself in the other woman's head-space that that author's Magic Penis concept represents. At the risk of showing blatant gender-bias of my own, are we sure the author is female? 'Cause, Damn!...

Given your intro with the mention of first grade school fanfic, I was expecting one of my fanfic bugaboos, the overly transparent wish fulfillment fic which leaves my shoulders and innards curled in hideous embarrassment at knowing altogether more about someone's private headspace than I would ever, ever want to know. Although... Ohhhhh ickkkkk!!!

*wanders weakly off in an unsteady and reeling manner in search of the brain bleach*

Oh good! I hope you enjoy them!

Not only is the author of the no-good-awful-book a woman, but she has quite the career. Many, many novels published and time on the BESTSELLER'S LIST. For god's sake. Meaning people, A LOT of people, must find this book entertaining and romantic. And that makes me want to tear my hair out.

Hahah. It's always funny when the fourth wall gets a little too thin. It's like the audience loves to get taken along for the ride in the fantasy, just as long at is doesn't get obvious, because then it's just uncomfortable.

Where do you find these books?? I mean...that was... *brain freeze*

*shakes head to clear it*

Okay, I love Pride & Prejudice and am actually against other authors writing sequels to classics, but a friend I trust just loaned me a sequel to it that focuses on the daughter Mary. And that's far enough removed from the main characters to make me give it a try. Haven't read it yet but in case you're interested, it's A Match for Mary Bennet, by Eucharista Ward, O.S.F.

Bestseller's rack at Border's. That's where I got it. Review blurb on the front cover: "Emotional and heartfelt, her stories make you believe in the power of love." Or, how about this summary in one of the back blurbs? "SoandSo Main Character hasn't left her house in five years. Ever since a savage attack left her family dead, she's cordoned herself off from the world, afraid to let anyone into her home--or into her heart. But now trouble has appeared on her doorstep, and suddenly she has no choice but to let a handsome rancher enter her well-guarded existence." SERIOUSLY?

But, on to happier topics. Austen. I have to admit to being a P&P sequel junkie. But I also can't get through more than five pages of most of them. (There was a great trilogy that told P&P from Darcy's pov that didn't turn him into a weepy, overly emotive fop. Most of them do.) Let me know if you read the Mary one and it turns out worth it! (I have been burned far too many times to read without a firm rec from a friend. Lol.)

Well, it took me almost forever to get to reading the book LOL but I finally did! The title is A Match for Mary Bennet by Eucharista Ward, O.S.F. (no clue what that stands for).

I enjoyed it. I liked it. And it was great how she kept Mary in character, she didn't turn her into a Mary Sue. But. Yes, there's a "but" and I can't put my finger on why, except it's not Jane Austen. But if you're ever in the mood for that era then it will do well.

I reread some of your comments above and didn't realize you were a Carla Kelly fan! I love Marian's Christmas Wish and Miss Billings Treads the Boards, probably her two least angsty Regency novels.

I know exactly what you mean! If I was the writer of said books, I would get sick of repeating myself just with different character names. I mean, come on, a bit of variation never hurt anyone right? I myself have been blocked to the point I would read anything to get me out of the rut, including *cringes* my fair share of romantic novels. Hero meets girl, saves girl from some torturous fate she cant get herself out of (I could get into feministic views here but I wont)then falls in love with said hero and they live happily ever after...(throw some sex in there and you have a book...almost like these writers are following some recipe that cant be changed cos they think the taste will be wrong if they do)
I truly dont know how such things can be published! Is that type of story in that much demand?

Its hard to find a good book these days, I only stick with authors I know wont bore me within the first three pages. I find myself skipping to the end of those books and finding that I really didn't miss anything. lol

Your posts are always worth a read A. *small smile* Sorry for the rant...

Ha, yes, well, that seems to be the plague of the romance industry in particular. Find an equation that works and then churn out as many as you can get people to buy. I used to quite like Nora Roberts, but I swear she got a ghostwriter after a while as the quality dropped quick, right along with any originality.

I'm still so naive and desperate for that unexpected great read that I subject myself to these random spells of insanity. But without it, I would never have found the 'Silent in the Grave' series, nor read my favorite book of all last year: "The Help."

Your posts are always worth a read A.

Hee! Thanks! I honestly always feel like I am just spewing crap at people. Lol.

here from Metafandom!

Find an equation that works and then churn out as many as you can get people to buy.. I think that's a problem with big-name authors just as much as the romance industry. There have been several writers I've enjoyed until I realized that I had just read essentially the same story two (or three) times in a row, and figured out the "twist" early enough that the book wasn't worth finishing.

I've been combating it by reading authors' first published book, because they often have years of research, work, and love put into them, which is something that sometimes seems to fall by the wayside as authors write to book deals and deadlines. Though from your description, nothing could save that book!

Ha! I think a blow torch might be the only salvage at this point. It's sad to think that quality will inevitably drop off with authors as they succeed. Maybe that is corporate pressure or something, I don't know.

I'd be curious if people think it is a prevalent phenomenon among fanfic circles too.

I'd be curious if people think it is a prevalent phenomenon among fanfic circles too. I think the pressures would be different, since fanfic writers aren't writing to support themselves, and are guided more by muse and choosing to participate in particular projects.

So, I would tend to think not. But I'd be interested in hearing others' opinions on the subject.

I love your posts like this - it helps me restock my reading list.

I'd be terribly interested in the title of the Darcy trilogy you mentioned further down.

And I haven't read Persuasion, but it's been coming up so much lately in posts I've seen everywhere that it's on the list now.

And UGH on the other. Just EW. Magic penis indeed.

When I stumble upon an actual good book, I feel the need to make everyone around me read it. Lol. The Darcy books are called the 'Fitzwilliam Darcy, Gentleman trilogy and are by Pamela Aidan. The first in the series is An Assembly Such as This (http://www.amazon.com/Assembly-Such-This-Fitzwilliam-Gentleman/dp/0743291344/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1264836153&sr=8-4). If you have any interest in a sexy P&P sequel, I really enjoyed Linda Berdoll's Mr. Darcy Takes a Wife (http://www.amazon.com/Mr-Darcy-Takes-Wife-Prejudice/dp/1402202733/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1264836265&sr=1-1). Certainly not for purists. (Waaaay too much sex, I imagine.) But I will forgive a lot for a Lizzie that doesn't loose her sharp tongue, a Darcy that doesn't become verbose overnight, and a marriage that continues to have issues and deals with them in believable ways.

I REALLY REALLY appreciate you not using the magic penis icon. :P

Bwah! I deliberately DIDN'T. How about that?

(And thanks for the links.)

You are all that is great and good with the world. :D

Ya gotta wonder how some stuff gets published. . .

Loved the fic recs, too! Have any more? Or - by some miracle, one of your OWN done? *smiles sweetly*

God only knows.

Hey, didn't you read that whole first part? Lol.

a nice guy with a big cock he nicknames 'Old Glory'.

<---

And yes, I totally agree - a lot of these people would benefit from being in fandom. It's a fabulous place to see What Not To Do. Seeing the same awful tropes repeated endlessly (particularly the Magic Penis one), and eventually it should dawn on even the most obtuse writer that, hey, maybe it's a load of crap.

(Or they'll get their ideas reinforced. Depends where in fandom they wash up. :))

I must get that book. *needs MOAR Persuasion OMG*

The 'Old Glory' part I did not make up. Hand to God.

I am convinced that most people in the world would be vastly improved by hanging out in our corner of fandom. :P I honestly kind of want to write this woman a letter, but it seems mean or maybe just pointless. Maybe if I worded it much nicer? Lol.

I have another Persuasion book on the way as well. This one about the eldest sister that's supposed to be pretty good. I shall screen it and report back if it is worth reading.

Persuasion sequel? OMG, thanks for the heads-up. I love Persuasion; like you, I think it's the best of her work.

Just finished the second volume of that Persuasion book. Not quite as good as the first, but still a pleasant read. :)

I love Persuasion; it's the first time I could ever identify with a character. Thank you for the fic rec!

No problem! I love Persuasion! :)

I too have great love for 'Persuasion'. Anne isn't quite as awesome as Elizabeth Bennett, but she has such quiet strength, and it's such a wonderfully subtle story. I shall keep a wary eye open for the re-telling you mention—I've tried a few P&P sequels and been filled with sneering rage in consequence, but I don't see why there *shouldn't* be good Austen fanfic about, and it would make me very happy.

I suspect that one of the reasons I have such love for Jane Austen's books is that they are about ordinary things that are dramatised only as much as they need to be. Heroines who plummet into pits with icky sexual abusers for a week and subsequently skyrocket into the joys of orgasm with the Magic Penis (and auxiliary hero) just don't fascinate me at all. They, hmm, strangely fail to achieve the kind of reality I require in my fiction.

And reading a *lot* of fanfic, and writing, and betaing, these things have improved my reading considerably. I get fed up with books that don't come up to standard.

Edited 2010-02-03 17:03 (UTC)

*waves* here via friendsfriends (aka lyssie).

When you start counting the amount of times violence against women is used as a plot point - not just rape itself, but sexual assault, harassment, stalking, general violence against women perpetrated by men - it. is. nauseating. It's just everywhere and it SUCKS. Bah.

*ahem* Happier topic! Hi, I'm miera, and Persuasion is the greatest of the Austen novels and the Ciaran Hinds/Amanda Root film version is the best Austen movie EVER OMG!!! *g*

I haven't read any of the published Austen sequels, though that didn't stop me from writing Austen-style fanfic (http://miera-c.livejournal.com/373718.html) for Stargate.

I mean, I suppose the heroine of this novel could have had the waters of the Delphic Spring flowing from her vagina and contact with it makes the hero suddenly go from recalcitrant and broody to verbose and refusing to shut the fuck up in only a matter of pages.

I'd read that fic.

Sounds like crackfic waiting to be written! Bwahah.

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Worst book EVER and awesome things that make up for it. Sort of.

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oh THANKYOU!

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here via Metafandom

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